punny

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

6. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

8 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

9 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

10 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

11 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

12 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

The Wrong Answer!

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:

Definitely not!


WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?


HUSBAND:

Of course I do.


WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?


HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.


WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.


WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.


WIFE:

- silence - -


HUSBAND:

F * ck ....

In a small retail organisation

where I used to work, we had a habit of shitting in an 'about face' style i.e. straddling the pan and facing the cistern (takes a bit of practice). The turd will flop on to the front inside of the bowl and slide down, leaving a hideous mess. Then shuffle round to another trap and do the paperwork there, so your art work in the original stall isn't spoilt.

One store had a solicitors office above it, and one Saturday, one of the guys popped up to their toilets and spattered the pan via an about face..and duly left it.. to bake on over the weekend. On Monday morning.. a very irate solicitor came storming down to ask us about the state of his toilet and what on earth had happened. The chap who had done the deed, looked him in the eyes and said "one of our customers..it was a small child I think". We got away with it..fuck knows how but we did, there is no way he believed us.

I like to think that maybe one of his secretaries was first greeted with the sight as she went to shake her lettuce after her first coffee of the morning.